


Cold As Ice

by KB9VCN



Category: El Hazard: The Magnificent World
Genre: F/F, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-31
Updated: 2002-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 16:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8760052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written December 2002; humor; about 2700 words.
See also Excel Saga.
I recycled some jokes in this story, but I hope the whole will be greater than the sum of its parts.
This contains character death, sort of, and adult humor, sort of.  Reader discretion is advised, sort of.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written December 2002; humor; about 2700 words.
> 
> See also [_Excel Saga_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excel_Saga).
> 
> I recycled some jokes in this story, but I hope the whole will be greater than the sum of its parts.
> 
> This contains character death, sort of, and adult humor, sort of. Reader discretion is advised, sort of.

Fatora strode into the Shinonome Diner, with Alielle trotting along at her side, just as several workmen left the building. The restaurant doors had been closed, and there were no other customers— but Fatora came and went as she pleased.

They both heard Nanami chuckling to herself, and they followed the sound into the kitchen area of the restaurant. They found Nanami standing in her kitchen, with her back turned to them.

"What's all the hub-bub, bub?" Fatora asked.

Nanami turned to see them. She was so pleased with herself that she smiled to see even Fatora. "I just had this put in. What do you think?"

She turned back, and gestured grandly to a massive white metal door set into one wall of the kitchen. Its shiny and spotless surface gleamed with reflected light.

"Uh... it's a nice door, I guess..." Fatora said.

Nanami sighed, and pulled at a large latch set into one side of the door. The door opened slowly, and all three of them felt a gust of frigid air.

Fatora peered inside. "Awfully small dining room, isn't it? No windows, either. Or tables. And it's really cold in there—"

Nanami sighed again. "It's a walk-in freezer, Fatora."

Fatora was still confused. "I thought the whole purpose of a kitchen was to cook food, by getting it really really hot."

"Um, Lady Fatora?" said Alielle. "I think it's for storing the food— until it's time to cook it."

Nanami had given up trying to impress Fatora, and she turned to Alielle as she closed the door. "I hired Makoto to design it and have it built for me. He's coming, in about an hour or so, to do a final inspection of the installation."

She clasped her hands and smiled happily. "Just think. I can start buying my perishables in bulk now. And I'll dominate the flavored shaved ice market..."

Alielle quickly fell into her usual awe-struck sycophantic role. "Oh, Nanami! You're such a brilliant shrewd business-woman..."

But Nanami's ego needed no stroking. She was lost in a reverie, working out profit projections, with a manic smile on her face that was a little too similar to her older brother's smile for comfort. Winged cartoon roshtals began to fly in circles around her head.

While Alielle babbled to a non-responsive Nanami, Fatora opened the freezer door again, took a quick peek inside, and closed the door. A troubling smile came to her own face, and a cunning plan came to her troubled mind.

Fatora grabbed Alielle by the ear and pulled her away. "Alielle! Emergency conference! Dining room! Ten seconds! Attendance is mandatory!"

"Ow ow Nanami ow ow I'll be ow ow right back ow," Alielle said.

Fatora pulled Alielle all the way to the back of the empty dining room by her ear. And then, she continued to hold Alielle's ear, and leaned over and urgently whispered into it.

Alielle's eyes widened. She gulped, as Fatora stood back up, and she rubbed at her ear, after Fatora finally released it.

"Lady Fatora!" she said, in an even higher-pitched voice than usual. "Surely this plan will put our very lives at risk!"

Fatora grinned malevolently. "Yep. So, you in, or what?"

Alielle smiled a not entirely sane smile herself. "Of course. Why, the idea of putting ourselves in mortal danger, for no good reason, simply adds to my... excitement..."

"That's the spirit, kid," Fatora said, as they began to walk back to the kitchen again. "OK. You know what to do."

As Fatora re-entered the kitchen, she quietly coughed, then spoke in a false voice. Nanami would have suspected that something was about to happen, if she hadn't been dreaming of fabulous wealth.

"* _ahem_ * Um, Nanami, dear? I'm sorry. May I take another look inside your wonderful freezer? I didn't properly appreciate its magnificence before."

Nanami answered without waking from her reverie. "Hmm?... Yeah. Sure..."

Fatora pulled the door open wider, walked inside it, and shouted. "ALIELLE! NOW!!"

Alielle shoved a still-day-dreaming Nanami into the freezer, and threw herself into the freezer after Nanami. Fatora pulled the door shut after them. It latched with an ominous metallic sound.

Nanami had fallen to the freezer floor. She sat up and shook her head, then gasped and looked around her. "What the!?— What did you do THAT for!? There's no handle on the inside of the door! How are we going to get out of here!?"

Fatora crossed her arms and smiled confidently. "We're NOT. We're going to wait for Makoto to let us out. In about an hour or so, you said."

Nanami crossed her arms and began to shiver. "But WHY!? It's freezing in here! And we're dressed lightly! We'll have to—"

She suddenly hung her head and groaned. "Oh no."

Fatora and Alielle advanced on her, open hands twitching. "Oh, YES," Fatora said. "We'll have to huddle together to survive. We'll have to hold our bodies together, to share our precious body heat. Why, we'll even have to... rub against each other..."

"And Master Makoto will come save us, in an hour," Alielle said, "and he'll find you in our arms. He'll be the first witness to the long-overdue triumph of Lady Fatora's glorious love."

"Pretty clever, huh?" Fatora said. "The last time Alielle and I were in this fix, in the snow fields of Creteria, we had Parnasse with us. No offense, Alielle, but this should be much more fun."

"No offense taken, Lady Fatora," Alielle squeaked predictably.

Nanami rubbed her temples and growled. "Rrrgh..."

Then she suddenly looked up at Fatora and Alielle. "You ROYAL IDIOTS!! This freezer is AIR-TIGHT! There probably isn't enough air in here, for three people, for an hour!!"

"EEP!!" said Fatora and Alielle.

Nanami hung her head again, and sighed, and shivered some more. "Well... Maybe we'll be alright, if we stay calm, and breathe slowly, so that we don't use up all the air at once..."

Fatora began pounding at the inside of the door with her fists, gasping for air like a drowning woman, and shrieking at the top of her voice. "AAUGH!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!! I ONLY WANTED TO ALMOST FREEZE TO DEATH!! I DIDN'T WANNA SUFFOCATE!!"

Alielle jumped up, grabbed Fatora's collar, held herself up and repeatedly slapped Fatora's face. "FATORA!! PLEASE, CALM DOWN!! WE HAVE TO CONSERVE OUR AIR!!"

Fatora hung her head and breathed out heavily. Then she helped Alielle back down to the floor. "Thank you, Alielle... I guess I needed that..."

But then she suddenly kneeled down, grabbed Alielle's collar, and repeatedly slapped Alielle's face. "But, how DARE you strike the junior princess of Roshtaria!? That is, when I didn't ask you to slap me around first! I'm not exactly in the mood for play-time, right now!..."

Nanami groaned again. "I don't BELIEVE this. I'm trapped in a walk-in freezer with a perverted lesbian Abbott and Costello."

Fatora fell back, slumped against the door, and began to wallow in self-pity, despairing that Roshtaria might soon be rendered bereft of her magnificent presence.

Alielle tried to comfort Fatora briefly, but her short attention span led her to look around the inside of the freezer. She saw a small panel mounted on the wall, near the door. Three levers were set into the panel.

She stood up, and trotted to the panel. "Nanami? Do you know what these levers do? Maybe one of them opens the door."

Nanami was shivering and wallowing in her own self-pity. She suddenly looked up at Alielle. "I didn't even know they were there! Are they labeled?"

"Um... no," Alielle said. "There's a red one, a blue one, and a green one."

"Why don't you try throwing them," Nanami said, allowing herself some hope. "Why, even if they don't open the door, they couldn't possibly make things—"

Alielle threw the first lever, and the inside of the freezer went completely pitch black.

"Worse," Nanami said, completing her thought, and regretting it.

"Dark," Fatora noted. "No light."

Alielle reset the lever, and the lights came back on. "Well, the red one didn't open the door. Let's see what the blue one does."

She threw the second lever, and the refrigeration unit suddenly went into overdrive.

Nanami shivered violently, and shouted to be heard over the jet-engine wailing of the freezer. "AAUGH!! THROW THE LEVER BACK!!"

A second later, she instinctively caught something. She held it to her face, to see it through the icy vapors blowing within the freezer.

It was the blue lever. Alielle had thrown it back, as ordered.

Alielle came to Nanami, and clung to her, and whined pitifully. "I'm sorry, Nanami! It broke off! What will we do NOW!?"

Nanami began to stutter as her teeth chattered. "Fuh— Freeze to duh— death much muh— more quickly, I guh— guess."

She let Alielle cling to her, as her primal desire for survival overcame her sense of sexual harassment. "Uh— at least wuh— we won't huh— have to wuh— worry about ruh— running uh— out of uh— air nuh— now. Wuh— we won't luh— last fuh— five muh— minutes in thuh— this—"

Fatora came crawling to them, on her hands and knees. "Nanami? Cuh— could I puh— please—"

Nanami cursed her fate, and raised an arm. "Yuh— yeah. Guh— God help muh— me. Fuh— Fatora, uh— I'd luh— like you to huh— hold me."

Fatora embraced her, and sighed between chatters. "It figures. I fuh— finally get muh— my arms around yuh— you, and they're tuh— too numb with cuh— cold to feel you."

After a few moments, Nanami spoke again. "Well, that's a luh— little better. Either thuh— that, or I'm too cuh— cold to shiver now."

Fatora made a peculiar sound half-way between a grumble and a whimper. "It'd be buh— better if we duh— didn't have a buh— block of ice buh— between us."

"Fuh— Fatora?" said Nanami. "Thuh— that's not a buh— block of ice. Thuh— that's Alielle."

Fatora gasped. "OH NO!! My duh— dear, sweet, puh— precious little Alielle! My puh— passionate lover, gone fuh— frigid!"

"Duh— don't cry, Fatora," Nanami said. "Alielle wuh— would have wanted you to be buh— brave. And if you cuh— cry, your face will fuh— freeze that much fuh— faster."

She turned to look at Fatora, and gasped. "FATORA!! You're a muh— member of the fuh— Phantom Tribe!! Why didn't I see it buh— before now!—"

Fatora sighed. "Nuh— no, Nanami. My fuh— face is turning buh— blue from the cold."

She closed her eyes, and spoke weakly, for the last time. "Well, thuh— this is it. Nuh— Nanami? I'll suh— see you— on the... other side..."

Nanami whimpered as she felt herself slip into unconsciousness, just after Fatora succumbed. _Dying is bad enough,_ she thought, _without the prospect of an after-life with Fatora in it..._

—

Nanami opened her eyes, so slowly.

She found herself adrift in an indescribably beautiful celestial place. She was floating amongst the stars, resting in peace.

_Huh,_ she thought. _This isn't so bad._

"Hey, Lady Fatora! Watch this! I'm gonna do donuts now!"

"Alielle, would you quit fooling around, and get over here, so we can fool around? I wanna try making out in zero gravity!"

Nanami sighed. She had evaluated her situation prematurely. But someone else voiced their annoyance before she could speak.

"Oh, for goodness' sake! Would you two please STOP that! Your friend has awakened! We've got to talk— WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Nanami turned, and gasped, to see a greatly annoyed Great Will Of The Macrocosm.

Alielle had already glomped one of the Great Will's arms. She rubbed her cheek against the back of the Great Will's hand. "Oh, Lady Fatora! Her skin is so soft!"

Fatora quickly grabbed the Great Will's other hand, and stroked her fingers. "Just look at her nails. Tell me, dear, where do you have your manicure done?"

The Great Will threw them both off. "That's QUITE ENOUGH!! I've been trying to TELL YOU!! You don't BELONG HERE!!"

Alielle suddenly wailed, and swam through space, and clung to Fatora's side. "FATORA!! I don't wanna go to the 'bad place'!"

Fatora gulped, but spoke in anger. "Aw, come on! I know sexual harassment laws are getting tough, but surely we don't deserve to be sent to eternal torment for—"

Nanami tried to move away from Fatora and Alielle. "Um, Ma'am? I'd just like to state, for the record, that I'm not with them."

"No no NO," the Great Will sighed. "You all died before your time. Your friend Makoto has come and found you, and he's begun to revive you. It's time for you to go back to El-Hazard."

Before Fatora and Alielle could annoy her further, the Great Will waved her hands, and dismissed them in a flash of silver light.

"Ma'am?" asked Nanami. "Do you really have to send me back too?"

The Great Will didn't have a face, but Nanami sensed that she was smiling in sympathy. "I'm afraid so, dear. But we all know what you've had to put up with. You'll forget all this when you return, but let me assure you, when your time truly comes, you'll go to a great reward indeed."

—

Nanami opened her eyes, so slowly.

A vague blur was standing over her, calling her name in a familiar voice. "Nanami! You're awake!"

Nanami was so grateful to see anyone again, much less her dear friend Makoto, that she was overcome with a powerful wave of emotion. She tried to shout with joy, and she tried to throw herself into Makoto's arms.

But she was still frozen stiff. She barely twitched. "Ngh."

"Don't try to move yet," Makoto said unnecessarily. "You'll need several more minutes to fully recover. You've been cryogenically preserved. But don't worry, you're going to be just fine.

"Although, I should warn you— you're about to feel the worst 'pins and needles' that you've ever felt in your life."

Nanami's eyes widened. Every part of her body suddenly began to tingle in a way that made her want to jump out of her skin. She tried to scream in a weird breathless terror. "Ngh."

A second, slightly less vague blur spoke with Alielle's voice. "Don't worry, Nanami. It won't last long. I rather enjoyed it, myself. I asked Master Makoto if I could get frozen again, and go all tingly again, but he said no."

Makoto had come into focus enough to smile. "Fatora and Alielle are both alright too. Alielle thawed out first, because of her slight build. But I'm afraid Fatora is still frozen solid."

Nanami's tingling had subsided enough to let her breathe again. "Ngh?"

An almost properly focused Makoto grinned wider. "Yeah, I guess. People always said she was kinda cold-blooded. But I guess this proves it. You shouldn't have turned your back on her, Nanami—"

Alielle went from Nanami's side to Fatora's side. "Oh, *I* know how to warm her up."

Makoto turned, and raised a hand after her. "Alielle! DON'T!!"

But it was too late. Alielle had stuck out her tongue, and she had tried to give Fatora a tender lick. Her tongue was stuck, frozen to Fatora's icy skin.

Alielle gently pulled at her tongue once or twice, and sighed. "Oh, thoot."

"I tried to warn you," Makoto said. "But don't worry. You won't be stuck for long. Fatora has already started defrosting."

He turned back to Nanami. "They must have overpowered you, and thrown you into the freezer, right? Just for a cheap thrill."

"Ngh," said Nanami.

"Don't worry," Makoto said again. "I found you three in a rather compromising position— but I was able to pull you apart. Your secret is safe with me."

Then he frowned. "But... I'm curious. Why didn't you just throw the green lever? That opens the door from the inside. I tested it, just now, and I couldn't find anything wrong with—"

"NGH!?" said Nanami. "NGH!! NGH!!"

Makoto leaned in closer. "Nanami? What is it?... You shouldn't try to move! Your arms won't be fully thawed yet!"

"NGH!!" said Nanami, grunting with the effort to raise her hands to Makoto's neck. "NGH!! NGH!!"

A clueless Makoto failed to move away in time. "Nanami! Please, try to relax! I'll— Urk— urk— Nanami!!— Urk— Let go!— Urk— urk— you're giving me— urk— freeze-burns— urk— urk—"

Alielle looked up carefully, and sighed happily. "It'th good to thee Nanami acting like herthelf again."


End file.
